Discovering Aljany, Pt. 5: Going it Alone
Falling in love, becoming a couple, settling down together, getting married, having a child: this is the classic path of a love story. It’s not mandatory, of course – each relationship is unique and each couple follows its own path. But it is common that committed family life is the next step for a happy couple. When this happens, we are normally very happy and we look forward to a beautiful future where our new family is our greatest priority. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. And even if it is, it's rarely what we imagine.
When I had my son, I was the happiest woman in the world. It's a bit of a cliché, but that's exactly how I felt. I told myself that I was fulfilled and that I was going to have a lot of wonderful moments together with my family, the three of us. My husband and I had been together for a few years at that point. It wasn't perfect between us, but the feelings were there, strong and sincere enough for us to want a baby. Or maybe we both just wanted to be parents, and didn't realize that our relationship was actually fragile. I don't really know.
Like many parents, we spent our son’s first year in a state of curiosity. It is the year of discoveries, of learning, of finding the rhythm of life with a baby. I saw it as the cement on which we would base our family life, but I was wrong. Very quickly, my husband turned away from the home. He went back to his social life, acting like he was single and childless. I realized he had no sense of responsibility. He was immature, selfish, not ready or not made for family life.
We ended up separating two years later. Those two years I spent hoping that he would change, would understand, would show his desire to be with us. But nothing changed. So the separation was inevitable. He didn't ask for alternating custody. He was content with weekends here and there when his schedule left a little room for our son. It was as if he’d had a child just to show the world his progeny, to play at being a dad – but not to live daily as a father.
Now, I am not a perfect mom. But from the moment my son was born, he became my top priority. Yes, it is sometimes difficult when I am exhausted, alone, unhappy, worried. But despite all that, nothing can take away your maternal instincts. Nothing can keep me from my son.
Life as a single mom in Haiti
My days are busy: they start around 6 a.m. and end at midnight – or later. When I wake, I have 30 minutes to get ready before I give my son a gentle but firm wake up call – if I don't want to spend 15 minutes getting him out of bed. Then it’s getting up, having breakfast, brushing his teeth, doing his hair, helping him get dressed. Once he’s ready for school, I usually have time to put away breakfast, sometimes do a load of laundry, fill or empty the dishwasher, make the bed and prepare my things for my work day.
All of this, of course, is interspersed with "Mommy!" repeated 10 times, along with "I want more juice, I spilled my drink, I want to pee, my stomach hurts...".
Then we put on our shoes and drive to school. At about 9am, I start working. These days, I work at home more often than I do in the field. I am a journalist and I like my job. I feel useful, even though the days are long and I know when I wake up that the day is far from over.
First birthday!
Being a single mom is not a smooth ride. You are alone all the time. Sometimes it's nighttime meltdowns, illness, times when the child is testing your limits – but it’s also the cuddly moments, the child’s firsts, the happy shared times. Raising a child alone means being plagued by doubts. Am I doing the right thing? Does my son have enough love? Am I present enough for him? But usually I keep it to myself. I smile and deal with them, because that's all I can do – what I have to do for my son.
This is the sad reality I find hard to accept; it brings me back to the failure of the family life that I wanted so much. I dreamt of a happy, united couple; family albums, birthdays and unforgettable vacations. Walks to Kenscoff on Sundays, teaching our son to ride a bike. All these simple but unique moments that make a family life.
But now, all the privileged moments with my son, I live them alone. It is only with me that he learns, that he discovers, that he grows. I know that the important thing is that he blossoms. But that doesn't stop my mother's heart from feeling guilty and my woman's heart from feeling desperately alone.
Pride in motherhood
My son is the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me, my greatest success, my greatest pride. But honestly, this life of a single mother does not suit me. We're taking it one step at a time, both of us, and we've finally found our balance. Some people have told me that they admire my attitude towards all this, but I think that any mother would do all the same things I’ve done for the happiness of her child.
I didn't choose to have a baby alone, to raise it almost single-handedly, to knowingly give up a family life. But, despite the hardships I've been through, it's my baby's smile, his laughter, his antics, his cuddles, that make me forget everything and keep our shared happy times front of mind.
If I could tell you anything, it’s this: whether you are raising a child alone or with someone else – treasure and enjoy those precious moments! They give everything else meaning.
Read the series!
Part Three: The Long-Awaited Meeting
Part Seven: How Can You Be a Journalist Here?
Discover more!
About the Author
Aljany Narcius
Haitian journalist Aljany Narcius is currently pursuing a Master 2 in Media Management, online from France’s University of Lille. With ten years of experience in the fields of journalism and communication, Aljany is a linguist who uses the Creole language as her weapon in the fight against social inequalities, exploitation, and all kinds of violence.
